Disclaimer: I do not own Hey Arnold! or Sailormoon. Hey Arnold! is owned by Nickelodeon and created by Craig Bartlett. Sailormoon is owned/created by Naoko Takeuchi.
Note: For the sake of clarity, whenever a character is in their transformed state, their name will be given in italics.
For example:
Helga G. Pataki = Helga
Sailor Moon = Helga
It was the middle of the night. Lila awoke to the sound of wailing coming from the living room. She went quickly to investigate and found Liam twisting and turning in his sleep on the couch.
"Liam! Liam, wake up!" said Lila as she gently tried to coax him into consciousness. "You're having a bad dream – wake up!"
Immediately Liam's eyes shot open, staring in a panic at Lila. He still seemed disoriented. "W-where am I...? What...?"
"It's alright. I'm here." Lila embraced Liam, and eventually he started to calm down. "What on earth were you dreaming about?'
Liam breathed heavily. "My mother."
"Oh. Do you miss her?"
"Sometimes. And you? Is your mother still with you?"
"No...but I miss her, too."
The two of them sat on the couch in the dark, in silence, lost in thought. Finally Liam spoke. "I think I'm alright now. Thank you, Lila."
"Are you sure? I'll stay with you a while longer if you'd like."
"I don't want to take away from your sleep..."
"It's okay. I don't have to get ready for school for a few more hours. We can just stay up and talk."
"About what?"
"Well, I can tell you where I'm from, and maybe I can learn a little more about you."
Liam smiled. "Alright. You first."
"Well...I'm originally from a small farming community by the name of Pleasantville..."
Now that the girls were officially a team again, they all sat together at lunch, even Patty, who for the longest time chose to do her own thing. At first it was awkward, and they were self-conscious of the stares from their classmates, but eventually it became business as usual at P.S. 118.
One day during lunch period, Patty placed five tickets on the table in front of Rhonda, Lila, Phoebe, and Helga.
Helga peered at the tickets, then scoffed derisively. "Ronnie Matthews? Thanks, but I think I'll pass."
"Yeah," chimed in Rhonda. "Ronnie Matthews hasn't been relevant in like, what, 3 years?"
"Apparently this is his big 'comeback tour'," replied Patty. "My dad got these from a business client."
"Oh, I'm sure you'll get some takers," said Helga. "Let's not forget that some of us are HUGE Ronnie Matthews fans..."
"Don't even start, Helga," warned Phoebe, not looking up from her lunch.
"Yeah," said Rhonda. "That was a long time ago...when I was a stupid kid with no taste..."
"I dunno, I kinda like his music..." Lila added timidly.
"There, you see? Now all you have to do is find 3 more saps that listen to that crap and problem solved!"
"You don't understand," Patty said. "I told my dad I had four friends that would love to see Ronnie Matthews. You all have to come."
At that the group was speechless. At last Phoebe said "You consider us your friends?"
Patty looked down at her feet. "I know I don't show it very often, and I know I usually seem kind of distant, but you guys are the closest thing to friends I've had in a long time. I just thought this would be a good opportunity to spend some time together and..."
"Say no more," said Rhonda, holding up her hand, then standing up. "You should have said that from the beginning. Of course I'll go with you, Patty. We're friends, right?"
"I'll go as well," said Phoebe. "Even if I find Ronnie Matthews a bit deplorable."
Patty smiled. The other girls looked expectantly at Helga, who finally sighed in defeat.
"Alright, I'll come. But only if you promise never to stuff me into a locker of garbage can again..."
The table where they were all sitting shook as a mild tremour rippled through the cafeteria. When the lights ceased flickering on and off, Patty leered at Helga and smirked.
"You avoid making obvious jokes at my expense, and you've got yourself a deal."
Truthfully, even though she didn't care for his music, Helga thought that going to a Ronnie Matthews concert was just the distraction she needed to get her mind off of Arnold.
Diana's presence in her room, however, made it difficult for her to ignore her sailor duties.
"Who is Ronnie Matthews, Miss Helga?" asked Diana as Helga rummaged through her closet for something to wear.
"Just some washed-up Latin pop singer that held the radio waves hostage when I was in the 4th grade," Helga said drily. She then emerged from the closet with a couple of CD cases in her hand. "Here – I'll give you a quick sample."
The CDs were Ronnie Matthews albums Helga had saved from Phoebe's garbage a couple years ago, after a dinner with the man himself turned out to be a fiasco and Ronnie was revealed to be nothing more than a pretty-faced farce, a corporate shill with no real ear for music, or musical talent at all for that matter.
Helga popped the CD in her stereo and clicked to the song "I Saw Your Face and Wow!". Diana listened intently as Helga scrutinized a prospective outfits in front the mirror.
"'The cosmic power of our energy...' what unusual lyrics! Could this Ronnie be a youma?"
Helga let out a short laugh. "I seriously doubt it, Di." Though, she was briefly reminded of how one of Ronnie's vapid songs literally saved both her and Phoebe's hide when they had to fight an evil Medusa monster. The more she thought about it, the more she pondered if his songs really DID hold some inexplicable supernatural power...
"How's this?" Helga held up a pink dress in front of Diana for her honest opinion.
Diana smiled. "You'd look great in anything, miss!"
Helga rolled her eyes in response. "Great," she said. "It's bad enough I'm relying on a cat for fashion advice. I had to find a cat who was also a shameless liar."
The girls arrived at the concert hall around 6 o'clock and gathered in the lobby.
Where's Helga?" asked Phoebe.
Seconds later, Helga appeared wearing an oversized Ronnie Matthews t-shirt, shorts, and sandals. Rhonda scoffed and looked at her dubiously. "Are you serious? THAT'S how you're going? You didn't have to dress up, but...I'm sorry, if I look at you any longer my eyes are going to bleed."
"Then don't look," snapped Helga. "Besides, it wasn't my fault – I used the Luna Pen to find the ideal wardrobe for the typical Ronnie Matthews fan, and this was it. Apparently, we aren't the target demographic."
"At least, not anymore," Rhonda quipped.
Lila's face went blank. "Luna Pen?"
"It's a long story," explained Phoebe.
At last Patty arrived. "You guys ready?"
"Ready as we'll ever be," replied Helga. "Let's just get this over with..."
Ronnie Matthews was in his dressing room, getting primped and preened and ready for his impending performance.
There was a knock at the door and in walked Ronnie's agent, a skinny middle-aged woman with short reddish-brown hair and glasses. Though she didn't smile often, she walked with a bit of pep to her step, confident that her job was a step-up from the position she had babying a certain muscle-bound Abdicator during his television gigs.
"Ronnie, you look gorgeous," praised the agent, taking a seat next to the star.
"I know, I know," Ronnie said in his extremely thick Latin accent as he admired himself in the vanity makeup mirror.
"Is there something you said you wanted to talk about?"
"Yes, yes," Ronnie clapped his hands and almost immediately his entourage filed out of his dressing room, leaving the two of them alone.
"So talk to me."
"I tire of using the lipsyncing."
"Oh boy, here we go again..." the agent sighed.
"I am Ronnie Matthews..." – as he said his name, he gestured with flair – "People pay the monies to come and see ME sing, not some nameless, unfabulous nobody. Just this once, let me go without the machine."
"Ronnie, baby....this is your big comeback tour. You have a lot riding on the success of the concert, and based on your last album sales, let's be honest, you're in no position to go changing things now."
"But I can sing! I promise! I haff been practicing...ahem...coz yure a cu-razee-AATE...!"
"Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie...why don't you just get out there on that stage and shake those Latin hips as hard as you can? Leave the singing to the professionals, huh?"
And with that the conversation ended as the agent left the room, leaving the morose superstar to slump back into his chair and stare back at his perfect visage in disappointment.
There was another knock at the door. Ronnie sighed and stood up. "Yes, yes...I am ready, I am coming!"
Ronnie Matthews opened the door and was ambushed faster than when he walked right into a Ronnie Matthews fan club full of prepubescent girls.
The lights dimmed in the concert hall, and the crowd cheered in anticipation.
"Finally," muttered Helga. "We've been standing here forever!"
"Glowstick?" asked Lila, offering Helga one to lighten the mood.
The stage filled with smoke as the backup dancers moved and swayed around it. Then, from a platform underneath the stage, Ronnie Matthews emerged and, microphone in hand, began "singing" his newest song "Crazy Eight".
I tried to call you but you wouldn't pick up,
We had a big fight and you wouldn't make up,
I tried to wonder, baby, what made you so mad?
On a scale of 1 to 10, you're not so bad!
Cos you're a crazy eight!
Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do
You're a crazy eight!
Do-do-do!
Cos you're a crazy eight!
And you're really gettin' on my nerves!
I said that you looked nice, you did not take it well,
You told me off right then, you told me to go to
Hell-o!
What'd I do to deserve this treatment that you give?
Without you, my crazy eight, I'll never live!
Cos you're a crazy eight!
Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do
You're a crazy eight!
Do-do-do!
Cos you're a crazy eight!
And you're really gettin' on my nerves!
How can I tell you I'm sorry?
How can I tell you I'm wrong?
What can I say? Please, don't hurt me this way!
I wanna make it up to you with this song!
Cos you're my crazy eight!
Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do
You're my crazy eight!
Do-do-do!
Yeah, you're my crazy eight!
And I'm sorry I got on your nerves!
Suddenly, Ronnie Matthews let out a shrill cry into the microphone, and all the backup dancers on the stage collapsed, as well as all of the people in the audience, save for Helga, Phoebe, Rhonda, Lila, and Patty.
"Something tells me this wasn't part of the show!" said Rhonda.
Ronnie Matthews wailed again, and the reverberation from the giant speakers caused the entire arena to quake.
Diana popped her head out of Helga's handbag. "We have to stop this at once!"
"Hey! What are you doing in there?" asked a surprised Helga.
"I wanted to see this Ronnie Matthews for myself," confessed Diana. "And I'm glad that I did! I was right after all – he really IS a youma!"
"Oh, for crying out loud..." said Helga, exasperated.
"Transform, girls!"
Moon Prism Power, Makeup!
Mercruy Power, Makeup!
Mars Power, Makeup!
Jupiter Power, Makeup!
Venus Power, Makeup!
The girls stormed the stage and formed a circle around the possessed Ronnie Matthews. Right away, Phoebe did a scan with her visor.
"Find anything useful?" asked Helga.
"No," replied Phoebe. "It's still all blank, like last time!"
"Great..."
"I don't understand, Diana," said Lila. "What could be causing this?"
"I wish I knew," said Diana.
Suddenly, Ronnie took his microphone by the cord and whipped it around like a whip. The senshi dodged it by ducking underneath and jumping over it.
"Hey Ronnie! See if you remember this number...Fire Soul!"
Rhonda sent a barrage of flames in Ronnie's general direction, but he dodged it by jumping high into the air and levitating.
"Split up, everyone!" commanded Diana.
The amphitheatre was set in an almost circular dome design, so the girls fanned out down the rows to prevent Ronnie from escaping. Patty lifted up on of the chairs and chucked it at Ronnie, then followed it up with her attack. Lila retaliated and attacked with her crescent beam attack.
Helga, however, was frozen in place, lost in thought.
"He's not trying to escape...or harvest energy...what's the point?"
"Helga..." whispered a voice in Helga's head.
"Arnold!" Helga gasped.
"You have to unplug his source," said the voice. "Go for his power source."
"His power source?" Helga turned around and noticed that the microphone was indeed plugged in, and that Ronnie Matthews had never let it go. This gave her an idea.
"Hey, Ronnie!" she taunted, getting his attention. "Figures you'd rely on a machine to get the job done! You're a hack! A fraud! A has-been! I bet you can't even sing!"
Indignation coloured Ronnie Matthews face. Lip quivering, he held the microphone close to his mouth and belted out, as loud as he could:
"Coz Yoor a Cuh-razee Ate!"
The entire auditorium quaked and shivered. All the senshi had lost their footing, but especially Phoebe, who had tripped over the cord, unplugging it from its power source.
Ronnie Matthews dropped to the ground like a ton of bricks. As he tried to regroup himself, Helga took out her moon wand.
"Moon Healing Escalation!"
In a flash of light, Ronnie Matthews reverted back to normal.
"No autographs, please," he muttered, just before, passing out.
As the other girls went to inspect the damage, Helga gripped the wand tightly and closed her eyes.
"Thank you," she whispered to the unseen voice who had helped her.
Wasn't that a fun concert?" asked Helga. She was with Phoebe studying at the Heyerdahl household the day after.
"It was stimulating, I suppose," replied Phoebe.
"You didn't buy anything from the souvenir shop," quipped Helga. "Even I got a crappy button just to make Patty happy. What kind of fan are you?"
"Please...I'd rather not be reminded. If I never hear about Ronnie Matthews again, it will be too soon."
Helga shrugged and turned on the TV to the news.
"In other news, singer/songwriter Ronnie Matthews has forgone the advice of his publicist and opted to do his remaining concerts without the aid of lipsyncing technology. His next eight stops are reported to have sold out."
As Ronnie's voice wailed like a neutered wolf on the television screen, Phoebe snapped the pencil in her hand. Helga laughed.
"Huh. Guess the fans care about more than just his singing after all."